Real or not real? Fact or fake?
When it comes to our world today there are knock-offs of all sorts. Whether it is clothing, handbags, watches, and more. I’ll even throw Christmas trees into the conversation, it is July after all. I’ve always been partial to a real tree vs a fake one. The smell of a Christmas tree makes me nostalgic and it feels more like Christmas time. That said, I can certainly do without all the falling needles, the continual watering, and the hokey pokey of getting the tree in and out of the house. Okay, I digress.
What about when it comes to our thoughts and our perceptions. How do we know what is real and not real? How many of us would consider ourselves expert mind readers? Believing we know exactly what someone else is thinking, without ever having to ask them.
I am reminded of the books/movies, The Hunger Games. There are a few scenes in the last movie in which Peeta is asking Katniss whether certain things are real or not real. In others words true or not true. He is asking this because he went through terrible torture and drugging that skewed his sense of reality and caused hallucinations. Here is a compilation of those clips:
Click for video (3 1/2 mins) from Hunger Games - Mockingjay Part 2
How many of us have been through difficult things in our life? Embarrassment, failure, rejection, heartache, loss, abandonment, trauma, abuse, and still more. These experiences can create a wiring, or imprint, within our brain. Even though they are from years ago that can still be part of our default operating system. And thus, we can actually be reacting more on the past than the present day. This is part of our brain’s limbic system, which is comprised of many different parts working together.
Fight, flight, and freeze responses are your body’s natural reaction to danger. It’s a type of stress response that helps you react to perceived threats brought on by fear, like an oncoming car or a growling, snarling dog.
Click for 3 1/2 min video overview of this brain function
As a quick aside, I want to distinguish here between fear and anxiety. Anxiety is about getting caught up in the ‘what ifs’, when we are looking ahead to something. On the other hand, fear is more rooted in the here and now.
When we react there are some physical indicators we can look for to know we are being triggered including:
Heart rate: increases
Breathing: is faster and more shallow
Skin: begin perspiring or get a chill
Blood: goes to major muscle groups so your hands and feet might get cold
Recovering from being triggered can take time, even upward of 20 to 30 minutes, potentially longer, dependent upon the scenario. When our brain is hijacked by our emotions it inhibits our brain’s ability to perform in the way it is designed to. Thus staying in the situation can prove all the more volatile. What does this have to do with real or not real? Well, what if our brain were telling us something were real when in fact is wasn’t. What if our past experiences unknowingly altered our default wiring to where what we think, know, and believe to be true is in fact not true at all? Have you ever assumed something to be true and you assumed incorrectly? Have you ever overreacted to a situation only to apologize later for the misunderstanding? If communication breakdown on the part of others is possible, isn’t it also possible that we misinterpret things at times based on faulty information from past experiences? This is NOT an all or nothing situation. Yes, we can chalk up our past to adding wisdom or being seasoned by life, much like a cast iron pan. Unresolved past hurts can also yield negative results.
The opportunity to change this negative pattern begins with transforming our default approach to responding. This can be accomplished in several ways. Here are a few ways to change the way you ACT:
ASK the other person, clarify what you are hearing. “I am hearing you say ______. Am I hearing/interpreting you correctly?”
CHALLENGE yourself, what is truly bothering me? Is what is being said true and I don’t want to admit it? Am I responding to the moment or am I reacting to something else from the past (whether recent or long ago) that is still unresolved?
TAKE a timeout, as mentioned our limbic system is triggered we respond with fight, flight, or freeze. Allow yourself time to cool off and then revisit things when you aren’t triggered. If you are in the middle of a conversation just walking away won’t work. Be sure to set a time to follow-up and not leave the other person hanging. You might say something like, “I care about you and want to have a productive conversation. I acknowledge I am a bit triggered right now. I want to settle down first and revisit this later. Can we revisit this in an hour?” If it is an email or text, rather than firing off an immediate retort or zinger in reply, hit the pause button. Open up your gaze and look at all the information.
One helpful practice that can be incorporated into the take a timeout is called grounding. The practice of grounding is about reclaiming control over your body, emotions and your thoughts. It is helpful when we are triggered by stressful situations. There is an overview video below. You can add to the list of helpful exercises:
Grounding
Deep breathing
Visualizing peaceful image
Guided imagery
Prayer
Physical activity
Social Support
Your body’s fight-flight-freeze response is triggered by psychological fears. It’s a built-in defense mechanism enabling you to quickly protect yourself from a perceived threat. However, if you experienced trauma, deal with anxiety, or have other difficult and stressful life memories, you might overreact to nonthreatening situations. Thus it is all the more important to ask yourself two questions… Is this real or not real? How do I want to ACT?
“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world — not even our troubles.”
