This is the final entry of a three part series in which we have explored cultivating relationships. First we looked at each of our individual responsibility to being open to growing in order to nurture connection. We then shifted to the importance of knowing our personal nature as well as the makeup of others in order to influence those same relationships. In this final entry we will focus on ways to cultivate a loving connection. We will do this through the lens of the Five Love Languages.
The Monotones released the famous pop hit, “Who Wrote the Book of Love”, 62 years ago next month. The Monotones got through four chapters in fairly short order. Just under 2 and a half minutes to be exact. As for another book on love, The Five Love Languages, authored by Dr. Gary Chapman, offers us a perspective on understanding the differences in how we all give and look to receive love within our relationships. The five languages are:
Acts of Service
Gifts
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Have you ever been in a relationship where you though you were doing everything you could to please your partner, but they're still feeling frustrated and unloved? And are you in turn feeling the same way because it as if you are spinning your wheels because they are not recognizing or appreciating your efforts? The message you are hearing is, “it’s not good enough”. Perhaps, it feels like it never is. This may be the result of speaking different love languages to one another. You might as well be communicating in German, while they are speaking French. The actions are falling on deaf ears. Only contributing to the hurt and disconnection.
““Real love” - This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.”
We each have love languages that we are more fluent in speaking. As such, these are the same languages we are more easily able to interpret or hear from others. When relationships are in their early stages, given the newness and euphoric feeling of being “over the moon” for someone, we are frequently going above and beyond our natural tendencies. This is often referred to as the “honeymoon” phase within a relationship. However, as time passes we all fall back into our natural routines. This is when our innate tendencies or languages predominate. This can be when we begin to not speak to our significant other, close friend, or child in the language they are looking for. It can lead to statement like, “He never compliments me on how I look anymore” or “She never recognizes all the things I do around the house.” To avoid these pitfalls it takes a conscious and concerted effort to learn and speak someone else’s language.
Learning a new language requires practice. It means doing something that isn’t necessarily natural, or easy for you. It also means learning to interpret new languages as well. It is the gift of meeting someone where they are at. A gift that goes both ways. This means, if your significant other speaks acts of service you can begin to recognize and appreciate that language when spoken, even though you are quality time. It also means that the speaker of acts of service learns how to engage in quality time. It is not an all or nothing, otherwise you will likely end up in disconnection. Each person simply going to their default.
The objective is to cultivate a healthy balance within our relationships, knowing that the other person is worth it. Practically, taking the Love Languages Quiz here, can be a great first step. Following this up by talking with each other about how you each look to receive love. Then coming up with a list of options for communicating love both big and small as well as in between. It also means sharing, “When I do - X, Y, and Z- I am doing that to communicate that I love you.” Then begins the practice of putting all these things into action. Being intentional about speaking and listening in the appropriate languages.
Within this three part series we have journeyed in growing relationships. It started in part 1 by acknowledging that we each have a part and responsibility to grow in order to maintain and cultivate relationships. That was followed by understanding our own personal makeup and that of others and how that influences how we think, feel, and act. Finally, you work together to learn and deliberately choose to speak love in different languages. Ultimately, we are doing all these things to show you care.
“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”
The below video provides a 6 minute summary of the book. You can also find this and other titles on our book reference page.
CLICK for 6 min summary of the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.
