As parents we are given great power in the lives of our children. “With great power comes great responsibility”, to quote the 2002 Spiderman movie. How we choice to wield that power is up to each of us. It is a daily and moment to moment decision. In this 3 part series we are going to enter into reflection about how to parent with love. Keep in mind though that these concepts apply to relationships, something we all have in common. So whether you have children or not, this applies to each of us.
CLICK for 20 sec clip from the 2002 Spiderman movie and a scene between Peter and Uncle Ben.
One of the things that I routinely hear from parents is my child is misbehaving, they aren’t following my directions, they aren’t respecting me, they aren’t applying themselves in their studies, sports, and/or family life. They are confused and frustrated as to why it is. I then ask, “What does your child say it is?” The initial answer of most parents starts with, “I think…”, followed by their impression of what is at the root of it. So I ask again, “Yes, but what does your child say it is?” The most common response to that question begins with an extended pause followed up with, “I don’t know. I’ve never asked them.” Maybe they aren’t old enough yet to articulate themselves. Yes, asking a 2 or 3 year old to express themself is a tall order. That said, in my work, over the years, with school age children, given the opportunity and time, most children can in fact put it into words. Most child desire for those words to be heard. [Again, replace “child” with spouse, friend, loved one and it applies to all of us.]
“A two year old is like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
The fact is parenting is messy, much like the blender without a top. That presents itself as our children not living up to all our expectations, whether spoken or unspoken, that we set in place. While many parents will be quick to rubber stamp a, “I don’t expect my kid(s) to be perfect,” the standards imposed on their kids tells a much different and truly powerful story. The problem does not rest solely with your child. And why is that? Well…
Not all children have the same abilities and talents
Not all children respond to situations the same way
Not all children think the same way
Not all children feel the same way
Not all children behave the same way
In summary….not all children are created the same.
Now lets flip the script for a moment.
Not all parents have the same abilities and talents
Not all parents respond to situations the same way
Not all parents think the same way
Not all parents feel the same way
Not all parents behave the same way
In short…not all parents are created the same.
Feeling a little better, like there is an even playing field now? Or worse perhaps, thinking, “What do you mean we don’t have the same talents? You don’t mean me. I am a pretty darn good parent!” Either way I am intentionally stirring the pot to get us all thinking more about our role as parents and the role of a child. In it’s crudest form, we are trying to mold our children so they grow up to be a good person. A responsible, contributing member of society. Okay, so daily though, what is it that you want from/for your child? Yes, you want them to have fun. You want them to be happy. You want them to experience good things. You want them to work hard at things. And finally, you want them to give/do their best. Which brings me to my next question…as a parent are you holding yourself to the same standard?
CLICK for 1 min clip of Jerry Seinfeld on the difference between kids and parents.
Part of being a child is growing and changing. Guess what, part of parenting is…yep, growing and changing. Don’t plan on changing, okay. Tell me how that works out for you and your family. In short, you are telling your child I want you to learn to change because life demands it, but I am not willing to budge. Hmmm, sound a bit hypocritical? Well, it is. Sure you can say it is sticking to your guns, or your principles. I can absolutely respect holding fast to morals and values you hold true. Yes, you are the adult. To clarify, I am NOT saying you need to change everything and bend to every whim of your child based on which direction the wind is blowing. That is an unhealthy extreme rooted in the false belief that change is all or nothing.
How about being open to the idea of growth? In our next part we will look at what makes kids so darn different, followed by exploring how to demonstrate love to your child by meeting your child where they are at.
“You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.”
