In the intricate web of human relationships, few concepts are as fundamental and impactful as attachment theory. First coined by psychologist John Bowlby, and further explored by Mary Ainsworth, attachment refers to the emotional bond between individuals, especially between infants and caregivers, that lays the foundation for healthy development and well-being throughout life. This bond is not just crucial in childhood but continues to shape how we relate to others as we become adults. In this multi-part series, we’ll explore various aspects of attachment and attachment theory - the different attachment styles, how the styles are cultivated, what to look for as they present themselves, the purpose each style serves, what are the core conditions for building secure attachment, challenges we face and navigating them to establish healthy relationships.
““I regard the desire to be loved and cared for as being an integral part of human nature throughout adult life””
As we begin this, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. While our early relationship figures and experiences had a profound impact on us, this isn’t about finger pointing or assigning blame to anyone. Those who impacted our attachment style, also had people who influenced them and thus what they gave us. This isn’t to say that aren’t accountable for their choices and actions - we are all responsible for our actions including if that’s in action. Also, our own underlining nature also plays a role in how we perceive others and cultivate relationships. Next, we aren’t dealing in absolutes nor a life sentence. You may find some of your relationships feel more secure and others less so. It helps to think of this along a continuum. Additionally, just because you might have hurts (attachment wounds) doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. You can choose to work toward healing.
We have all experienced tremendous joys and pains in relationships with others. These experiences help mold us into the people we are today - strengths and weaknesses a like. Each style serves a purpose intending to help us survive. The styles and the responses are how we learned to deal with what was presented to us. Going down this road brings us to a cross roads, or inflection point. What do I want to do with all this information? Do I learn about myself as well as others and work to create a positive impact in my relationship with them and my own life? OR do I keep doing things the exact same way? Do I just expect others to adapt to me? Each and every one of us has a choice. You get to decide.
Initially conceptualized by John Bowlby. Mary Ainsworth through her research on attachment patterns in infants further clarified the different styles. Attachment styles breakdown into secure and (3 types of) insecure. Please note, there are various different names out there for the insecure types. I’ll use several names here to help as you potentially go beyond this article. Insecure breaks down into anxious/anxious ambivalent/pre-occupied, avoidant/anxious avoidant/dismissive, and disorganized/fearful-avoidant.
Here’s an overview of the 4 attachment styles:
Secure Attachment:
Description: Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable both with intimacy and with being independent. They’re able to trust others and feel safe in relationships. They’re able to easily express their emotions and needs openly, seek support from others when needed, and maintain a balanced view of themselves and their partners.
Developmental Roots: Typically developed in childhood through consistent, responsive caregiving where the child's needs are consistently met. This reliability allowed them to develop a healthy sense of trust and security in relationships.
Behavioral Characteristics: Seek out social support when needed, maintain healthy boundaries, and have positive self-esteem and self-worth. They tend to form stable and satisfying relationships, exhibit good emotional regulation, and are able to resolve conflicts constructively.
Anxious Attachment:
Description: People with this attachment style often worry about whether their partner loves them or will stay with them. They crave closeness and intimacy but may feel insecure and dependent on their partner's reassurance. They often seek validation and approval from their partners, and their moods can be heavily influenced by the state of their relationships.
Developmental Roots: Often stems from inconsistent caregiving in childhood where the caregiver was sometimes responsive but not reliably so, leading to feelings of insecurity and a heightened need for reassurance.
Behavioral Characteristics: Seek high levels of intimacy and approval, may be overly sensitive to changes in the relationship. They may be perceived as clingy or overly dependent, struggle with self-esteem, and experience frequent emotional highs and lows in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment:
Description: Individuals with dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to suppress their feelings and avoid intimacy. They prioritize independence and may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
Developmental Roots: Often associated with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or rejecting, leading the child to learn to self-soothe and suppress their emotional needs. These individuals learned to prioritize independence.
Behavioral Characteristics: Prefer autonomy and independence, often downplaying the importance of relationships. They often have difficulty expressing emotions, may come across as emotionally distant or detached in relationships, and struggle with vulnerability.
Disorganized Attachment:
Description: This attachment style combines elements of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment desire close relationships but are also afraid of getting hurt. They often experience internal conflict regarding relationships and intimacy, which can lead to confusion and difficulty trusting others.
Developmental Roots: Disorganized is typically associated with traumatic or abusive caregiving experiences where the caregiver was both a source of comfort and fear.
Behavioral Characteristics: Want close relationships but often avoid them due to fear of rejection or harm, may have a tendency to sabotage relationships, struggle with trusting others, and experience emotional turmoil. They may exhibit unpredictable behavior in relationships.
As you can see insecure attachment styles refer to patterns of relational behavior and emotional responsiveness that develop as a result of inconsistent or inadequate caregiving during infancy and growing up. While secure styles are marked by consistency, safety, and emotional connectedness.
I regularly speak with clients about being curious, that is the starting point here too. I encourage you to be curious and work to understand your own attachment style. It can provide valuable insights into your relationship patterns and dynamics. And remember, attachment styles are not fixed and can evolve over time with self-awareness and personal growth. By recognizing your attachment style and its origins, you can work towards developing more secure and fulfilling relationships in your life.
“Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning.”
“We keep moving forward, opening new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
As with many past articles, I frequently share movie clips and/or songs that speak to the topic. In this case, I was curious about music that would relate to each style. Given the complexity of attachment it’s difficult to nail it down precisely, but here a few to give a listen to.
Secure: “All of Me” by John Legend, “I Won’t Give Up on Us” by Jason Mraz
Anxious: “Stay with Me” by Sam Smith, “Someone Like You” by Adele
Avoidant: “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt, “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado
Disorganized: “Breathe Me” by Sia, “Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel
See you in the next installment!
