Grief. Loss. Fear. Hurt. Do you know someone who is hurting and reaching out for help, but you are not sure what to say or do? Perhaps they aren’t reaching out, but you can sense or even see them hurting and you feel stumped on how to initiate reaching out. This post will look at the common snags and bridges to offering comfort to someone in need.
Let’s begin by looking at the word “compassion”, coming from the Latin root, “pati” meaning “to suffer”. The prefix com- means, “with”. So in short, compassion means “to suffer with”. Finding the “right words” to say to someone hurting is an ever elusive hunt than can feel daunting. You are not alone in this experience. Most often this situation corresponds to some sort of grief. It could also be related to fear. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, a house, and still more, grief and fear are powerful emotions.
First, lets look at some common pitfalls that demonstrate a lack of compassion. Offering comfort does not look like this:
Here are some further examples of words and actions that while often chock full of good intends, miss the mark.
“Everything’s going to be okay”…Most people already know that while things may currently be in crisis, in the end things are going to be fine. That said, in the moment of deep hurt or fear this the last thing they want to hear. They are hurting. Even if they are saying things won’t be fine, their front lobe, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking, has been impacted and isn’t operating fully.
“At least they didn’t suffer”, “They are in a better place”, “Better now than later”, or “Don’t worry you’ll find someone else”…Again, most people know that a loved one who has suffered for years isn’t having to endure suffering any more. But the person left behind is now suffering. If a relationship ended, sure they may meet someone else in time, but the present moment isn’t that time.
“Let me know if there is anything I can do”…people who are hurting don’t necessarily know what they need in the moment, let alone an hour from now. The individual is discombobulated. There life has just changed in a dramatic way. They are likely not firing on all cylinders and so they aren’t asking themselves, “What can I delegate to this person?” This rubber stamp phrase, perhaps well intended, is more often self serving to the person who is offering.
Trying to avoid the topic altogether by shifting the subject to something easier and more light hearted. This is dodging the reality of hurt and pain. This isn’t good for anyone because real life includes sadness and disappointment. Trying to pretend like it does’t exist is simply playing “make believe”. Yes, laughter can ease things, it is about being prudent and allowing for hurt to take place.
Giving the person space…lots of it. This is not to say smothering the person is any better! Lets not choose one extreme or another. Many people will justify their own silence toward someone in loss or hurting by saying to themselves, “I am sure they just need some ______ insert (time, space, breathing room).” This is another example of avoiding real life. Yes, time helps heals wounds. Yes, having breathing room to process is important. Connection also helps heal!
“Compassion is not a virtue — it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have — it’s something we choose to practice.”
Here are some examples of “suffering with” someone:
“I am truly sorry that you are hurting”…a key here is genuineness. It can be coupled with intentional silence focused on being present with the person and giving them time to share or open up. Honor and validate someone’s hurt.
“I am thinking about you”, “I am praying for you”…sure this can be in the form of a text. It can also be a phone call. Granted the person who is hurting may not answer, so leave a voicemail. Allow them to hear a voice of care and concern rather than a typed message. They may not feel like talking at that moment, that is fair. Remember this isn’t about you (the caller). By reaching out you are showing your care and concern.
Ask yourself, “What is something practical that I can do for this person?” Perhaps it is offering and bringing over a prepared meal. Doing grocery shopping for them. Running errands. Coming over to do laundry, dishes, or yard work. Asking them to dinner, coffee, or a walk. Take the responsibility off that person and offer specific help. This can go a long way to making that person feel supported during a difficult time.
Something practical doesn’t have to mean doing errands/acts of service for them. It can also be simply spending time (ie. coffee, chatting, taking a walk, watching a show) with them. Being a listening ear. Offering affection/physical touch, as appropriate to the relationship, can also offer tremendous comfort and support. A hug, holding someone’s hand, cuddling can all speak volumes that words just can’t convey. Think the five love languages.
Sometimes people can fall into a rut when dealing with loss. Asking or inviting them to something more light hearted can indeed be therapeutic. The key here is not making your interactions singularly focused. Even during this fun time they may have a sad moment. Find a healthy balance.
Make offers. Note the plural here…offerS. This isn’t a one and done thing. Those in grief or hurt will often be inundated at the very start and then people quickly get back to their lives and routines. Even if it means setting a reminder for yourself to call that person a couple weeks or months later, do it. Grief is often a long process. You remembering that person and their loss months later can go a long way to them feeling loved and connection. It conveys their loss/hurt matters to you. Perhaps the present moment isn’t the best time for them. In this case, planning something with them for the future can give them something to look forward to.
“Maybe I can’t stop the downpour, but I will always join you for a walk in the rain.”
In conclusion, while there are no perfect or “right words” to say, there are certainly things not to say. The person who is hurting isn’t necessarily looking for you to save or rescue them. The important point to focus on is to demonstrate empathy and a level of suffering with them. Choose to come alongside that person with compassion.
